Science in my life

As I was about to post my second entry, I noticed that I somehow messed up posting my first. Here it is:

When I was admitted to the University of Minnesota nearly six years ago, I could not possibly anticipate all the changes and obstacles that would soon come my way. It was jarring to know that many other individuals would soon be going through similar situations. I would have to find my own way and meet similar individuals in order to bond over shared interests and the extreme adjustments we were going through i.e. getting to know other people and making new friends. This felt very uncomfortable since I could not seem to let go of my friends from high school. I wanted more time with them since I had lost so much. During the fall of my senior year, I began experiencing extreme fatigue and every mundane task seemed to take large amount of effort. I soon began sleeping over twelve hours every day and it became necessary to greatly reduce my coursework by dropping over half of my classes.

I felt weak and disappointed with myself because I was unable to handle a social life, extracurricular activities and homework. Some days I would need to nap a few times and other days I could sleep in one very long shift. I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue which I thought was very obvious-sounding and slightly amusing. It was baffling to me that this was something real and that my body was mimicking hibernation-esque symptoms. Most doctors did not know how to treat chronic fatigue, but one specialist told me that only I would know when it was over. There was no ‘cure;’ no timetable for recovery; no reason. One day, my symptoms would cease and I would simply not need to sleep as much. It was not in my control and I was forced to immediately adjust to a radical change in how I lived my life.

This lasted for seven months, which seemed like an eternity in high school. The loss of control was extremely difficult to handle, but chronic fatigue did have a silver lining: an existential crisis. This may seem like an oxymoron, but I am very thankful because I was able to get to know myself very well. I have always been the friend who tries helping everyone, which sometimes means I have different personal boundaries than other people. I tend to forget what society dictates as ‘proper’ relationships such as those between a parent and child or a professor and student. I love making connections with people and I tend to get personal. Chronic fatigue made me realize how little I knew about myself compared to how well I knew the significant people in my life. Thankfully, being tired in bed most of the day gave me plenty of time for self-analysis. In fact, it seemed to force this process and I really began to understand my body and mind. This came in handy when I began college.

Anticipating another difficult adjustment, I tried to surround myself with familiarity to combat a high level of anxiety. I was fortunate to have a friend as a roommate and another good friend living in another dorm on campus. Through them, I was able to make new friends and move forward in life. Unfortunately, my high level of anxiety never ceased. I later developed irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) which combined with my anxiety to form a vicious cycle in which both conditions exacerbated each other. Luckily, I was quickly able to figure out my ‘trouble’ foods and ‘trouble’ situations which activate the IBS and anxiety. However, some trouble situations are necessary and inevitable. I must adjust to them. Unfortunately, I have not fully figured out how to accomplish this task. For example, in order to arrive at 9:45 for class I must wake up around 5:00 AM. Some days, I can make it on time and I have no significant troubles throughout my day. Other days, I can get severely delayed by panic attacks and/or needing to use a restroom several times.

It kind of blows.

In the past five years, I have exhausted every resource I can afford using Western medicine. I have tried every anti-anxiety drug anyone can imagine and none fully worked while retaining my own sense of self. On the bright side, I recently discovered a combination of digestive enzymes and probiotics which keep most of my symptoms of IBS at bay. However, the effects of the enzymes and probiotics are less effective as my anxiety level increases. I have had many pressures from my parents and some friends to try new mixtures of anti-anxiety drugs, but I felt they were a band-aid to my problems. For me, the drugs seemed to treat the symptoms without actually solving the problems causing the symptoms. I am currently working on natural ways to keep my anxiety level down and improve my quality of life such as acupuncture and taking GABA.

Even though a multitude of factors affect my anxiety and IBS, I believe many of my early struggles with these conditions stemmed from labeling. During my first few years of college, I dealt with many external and internal pressures concerning these newer conditions. It was stressful trying to handle high anxiety and IBS with encouragement from outside parties in the form of warnings and caution. Many people did not understand why I could not find a magic pill so I could solve the problems and move forward. I quickly learned that as my anxiety and IBS changed, so did the need for different medications. Other people assumed that if I could not find a magic pill, I was destined for a sheltered life in constant need of assistance. Having these fears constantly expressed from outside parties created an atmosphere of labeling. Since my high anxiety makes me susceptible to new stressors, labeling began to make the symptoms worse. It is fascinating how mental and physical conditions can be so intertwined with internal and external stressors.

I have matured a great deal in the past few years and I am very thankful for all the support from friends and family. As I write this blog post, I am reminded of what Bruno Latour wrote in Science in Action: “the fate of what we say and make is in later users’ hands,” (p. 29). I do not want anyone to confuse my snippet of a life story as a complaint - there are plenty of individuals who have been dealt far worse hands. I am thankful to be so in tune with myself because it helps me know what I need in order to adjust to different situations. It gives me a better perspective on my daily life and helps me from defining myself according to my medical conditions.